quick confession, too.

I didn't mean to call myself a saint. I didn't mean to imply I'm saintly. I'm just as much a thorn in everybody's side. A jerk, a jackass. A bad guy?

I raid the fridge, both food and alcohol, quite shamelessly; I'm fairly disrespectful of personal space. I've messed a few people up, not physically, but maybe I make a bigger deal of it in my head than I should. I'm entirely capable of underestimating people, but I've had a mixture of experiences that have left me wildly indecisive.

I don't really like a lot of people, and I don't see people in favorable lights. I automatically think or assume the worst. Regardless, I try to see all the sides and disregard them just the same.

I think part of this is conditioning: I've been at the Chain almost two years, and waiting on people in Philadelphia is a bittering psychological adventure. I'm vindictive by virtue of what I do, and surrounded by people who are the same. I grew up in solitude, so I'm isolating by nurture. It's hard to connect out when you cling stubbornly to what you know.

I try to balance myself against my roommates, who are internal and static. I try to balance myself against my coworkers, who are becoming a gang of raging alcoholics. The ones that stay, anyway. I try to be real to myself and my environment, which leaves me largely unapologetic, but I acknowledge my guilt.

I don't know how much of this, if any, makes sense. I am trying to hold my own, though, which requires a degree of aggression. Once I conquer my own begrudged laziness, I can put this aggression to more fruitful use. Just keep telling yourself this, keep putting it online, right? Whine, whine, whine...if nobody else is reading, at least the internet is listening. Wow, pretty pathetic. Maybe I should be writing this shit down, instead of typing it out. At least then somebody will discover it, if only eventually.