what i wrote to Jersey

"I understand, things happen. How was your birthday? The big 2-3, you gettin to be one ol' lady!

"Right, yes, well I should call, but you know how well that tends to work out. I've been dealing with a tuition crises the last few weeks--School's already a week into the term and I'm still not registered! Haha, I should really get to bed.

"And [Lovely]. Of all the people who don't need to hear about my current relationship problems you're high on the list, but the truth is that I do a lot for her and it's still not really enough. Coupled with the fact that she doesn't do a whole lot for herself I'm quite exhausted with it, but I don't have the heart to tell it so. She's vulnerable, and doesn't have a whole lot. However, she's moving back to her parents' house, out in a suburb somewhere, and we've pretty much agreed that things will be ending when she does, so I'm trying to hang with her while she's still living in the city. It doesn't help that I'm so tired of school, and work, my roommate, [Beatrice]...

"I keep making excuses for why I'm not pursuing my own interests, writing and music, but the truth is I let distractions get in the way and I need to shape up. Which, in the end, is just depressing.

"I've changed a lot since you and I knew each other. I think I am pretty depressed, waiting for the right combination of time or inspiration or motivation to come along and give me a push. I shouldn't be waiting, I need to make the circumstances I want. It's trite dribble, everybody is always waiting and I'm no different. I want a break I haven't deserved, or earned. I'd love to see you again and I feel pretty low leaving it in your hands, because you're so busy with your own life. So don't beat yourself up, if you are...I know you, you want to apologize (probably), but I'm just venting I suppose because you're so detached from all of this, have no responsibility in it. Keep that in mind.

"Sometimes I'm afraid I'm not nice to people, because those people tell me I'm not. But when I try to step back and examine the situation, I wonder if I'm actually feeding them and letting them take advantage of me. So many of the relationships I have right now are based on the fact that I listen and don't judge, that I give automatically and never ask for anything in return. It's the way of saints, you could say, but most saints end up burned at a stake somewhere because nobody stands up for them, including themselves."